I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838