May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.