I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You Might Also Like
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking