aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Yes, this is exactly right
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.