Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Worth a try
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?