Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The struggle is real.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..