HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose