[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.