Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
uh oh