I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Taking phone security to the next level.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason