I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Otters see a butterfly.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.