Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them