Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.