“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Tremendous stuff
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.