Not now. I’m deglazing.
You Might Also Like
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8