[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.