I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.