A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
reminder
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
oh shit
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you