“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.