ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Milk Cube
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.