that colleague who touches your screen
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My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Writing, She Murdered.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Adultry does not sound fun at all
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳