While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too