Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
You Might Also Like
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.