Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Haha! 😂
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.