Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
dutch so unserious
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
mechanics be like
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.