“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You Might Also Like
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Breaking news:
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣