Tastes like chicken.
You Might Also Like
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Best mom ever 😂
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Clients after you give them your rates
I hate my earbuds.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*