Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.