If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I just love that new Pope smell.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea