him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.