I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
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[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.