The best backflip ever!ππ€π€
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you canβt handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a βTransformersβ movie.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Protip: If your wife asks you βWhen are you going to clean that up?β never respond with βI was waiting for someone else to do it.β
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.