people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?