That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
going to the ER y’all need anything
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.