Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“you changed” bro i was 15
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: