My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable