And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)