[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”