Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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I see your IQ test came back negative
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
gentlemen, hear me out
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.