Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You Might Also Like
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”