Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Never mess with a drunken pig.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Ok but actually
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.