My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Put my back out twerking in the library again
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?