*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015