Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
You Might Also Like
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Teach your children to beatbox
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.