Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
The fall of Netflix
remember
only for emergencies