Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
You Might Also Like
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.