She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.