Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I beg your pardon?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.