rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
selfie game
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?