imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me